Thunder

In sitting on my porch listing too the thunder and watching the lighting. It reminds me of all the anger I hold. Anger towards a process that is so easy for some. But for me nothing seems to come easy. After this last round of negative pregnancy test all I can this is why. Why are my insides so fucked up? Why have I gaind so much weight? Why can a crack hor pop out children and not me? I still have not came up with a good answer for any of these questions.

As my doctor and nurse talk to me I know I have that deer in the head lights look. I can hear her say the next step will be 2500 to 2800.  And the main part I picked up on was you will need to go on BC. I cried on my way home. How are we going to pay for this? I am not rich by all means. Me and hubby both make good money. But I am no longer doing over time since moved casino's. So I dont have that extra money anymore. I went back last week to get a progesterone shot. I was pretty sure my period was gonna start any moment and it did the next day. But I still got the shot. I waited to talk to the nurse about the next step. She said I would order my drugs from a place in California. I would pay them direct 1200 witg my credit card and they would over night me my stuff. I looked at her and said I dont have a credit card. Bet she didnt hear that alot. Here is what my next 2 months should look like.

April 14 started bc
May 5 period should start
May 12 start second round of bc
May 20 - 27should go in for ultrasound I think
May 28 should start shots if all looks well
June 3 ultrasound/ triger shot god let there be no more than 2. I don't want this cancelled.
June 4or5 possible IUI -cant decide yet that cost is not with the 2500 to 2800.

With out hubbys grandma I'm not sure this would be possible. She is going to cash in a life insurance policy on my hubby. If the money is not here in time she will front us the money. She is a great lady. Other wise we were going to take out a loan I guess. Im crossing my fingers this works. If it dont we will only try it one more time. The next step would be IVF. I am not sure IVF is an option for us. 16k is alot of money. We have been talking about adoption if this dont work. We shall see I guess.

On a positive note.I have been ovulating.

XOXO