Sunday, November 12, 2017

3 Years

It’s been alittle over 3 years since I’ve posted anything. So much has happened. Heart ache after heart ache then we found joy. Here is a run down.

Our first placement wasn’t meant to be. We were lost but started to pick up the pieces. On a Monday November 17, 2014  tragedy struck our family. My father in law suffered a stroke at the car wash. By the time he was found he was  hyperthermic. He was air lifted to the hospital. That was one phone call I ne we wanted to receive. I was away from my desk and went back to my cell phone blowing up.  I raced to Tulsa to be with my husband and family. On Wednesday November 19 he was gone. You see in the early morning of the 18 he suffered another stroke. When they broke the new Wednesday that there was no brain activity we were all crushed and maybe in  denial. He was an organ donor. In case you don’t know. That is a long process. Ever though they said he was fine he was still there with all the machine beeping. In the early hours of Saturday the 22nd he was taken back for the procedure. Them were the hardest 2 days. Just the waiting and not wanting to leave. The pain I watched my husband go through along with imhus siblings and mother were unbearable. He was a great man and is missed dearly. I had a minor break down during this time when I went to my parents and threw myself on my father and started crying to never leave me. I scared the crap out of him. As my mother, brothers, and old sister in law sat in the living room and listened. Death is something you think about but until it hits home you don’t take it as seriously.

Moving on to 2015. We were still healing from that tragic lose. In late March early April my father to my mother to the hospital. My mother called us to let us know they were sending her to Tulsa for more test. She had some kind of mass. I went straight to cancer. She told us not to worry. Again this call happened why I was at work. Sure enough she was diagnosed with Colon cancer. She went through surgery and ended up with a   Colonoscopy bag. We named him Bob after her sisters boyfriend she didn’t like. The strongest woman I ever knew grew to be a week lady. She always thought us to fight. I watched her loose that over the next couple months. She ended up in the hospital several times. The day she told me it was stage 4 and she was terminal was the worst day of my life. I like to cuddle. So I would go cuddle with my momma. I didn’t do it enough. On August 4th 2015 my little brother called to ask me to bring him my rice bag from work. I went back and grabbed it. He called back to tell me Dad was taking my mother to the hospital. I have never driven so far nmhome in my entire life. Part of our road is curvy and I flew through them Hill like nascar in time to see my dad turn on our road to head to the hospital. By the time my father got my mom to the emergency room she was  lethargic. Couldn’t even sit up. My and my little brother gathered her hospital bag and headed to the hospital. See he had just turned 21 the day before. As we sat in the hospital emergency waiting room he laughed and laughed at all the crack heads. That was the last laughter I would have for sometime. The scan can back. Her liver was a giant tumor her lungs were a giant tumor. They said 24 to 48 hours. We needed to call the family in. I call my older brother in South Dakota. Told him to come home. I lost in in the hall ofnall the rooms. We were taken to a private room to make calls after that. Them were the worst phone calls of my life. My brother couldn’t get a flight out to make it here in less then 12 hours. So he drove all through the night with one rest to get home. Mind you he had worked 12 hours then drove 12+ Home. We lied to my mom when she would ask where he was. Were were like he’s almost here. She told my husband to promise to take care of me. She told me she love me. I held her hand and sang you are my sunshine to her. I watched my mom hold on for my brother. And she did to tell him bye. We prayed and said good bye. I watched my momma take her last  breath . I didn’t want to leave her. One of my best friends from school came. And he cleared his day after he got there to stay with my family and for me. Thank god he was there. As later I was like I signed some papers I don’t know what they were. My nosey friend said it’s ok they were this I looked at then as you were signing. He had signed the same papers for his father. As we left the hospital I went to prep mode. Calling  the funeral home and people. I was like a machine. My sister in law and mother in law had already been to my house and cleaned. Those days were a blur. The day of the funeral I was supposed to sing. The song I wanted to sing is a living prayer by Allison Krause. I would get so emotional when singing it. My husband is looked at me and said we will singing it if this is what you want. But if you real down on stage I can’t sing this song. It’s to high for me. So I switched it to the song we sang at his Dads graveside. Before we were set to go in I couldn’t decide if I should do it there or at graveside. I was afraid I wouldn’t hold it together. My uncle Jerry out is hands on my shoulder and said you will do it here. You can do it for your mom. So with that said I did. I only did the chours mainly but I did it. That day my out of town family went home. My house was quiet agin. My husband went fishing with me older brother and friend. My cousin came up I call my best friend . And a few more people showed up. I got drunk and cried in my back yard staring at the stars. I was finally having a break down I needed.  My none emotional cousin Travis  comforted  me and talked to me as I laid there. We seen some shooting stars. Living in the country you always have a great. Ire of the sky. The next day I walked out to my family in my driveway and there were tons of dragonflies  flying around. I felt at peace. You see dragonflies are my favorite. They are a sign of rebirth. I now have a tattoo of one on my wrist.

The day of the viewing for my mother my friend I go to NASCAR with was coming out as I was going in. She said want to go to Bristol with us. I said yes and she said I will go buy the tickets now. Around August 19th we received a call about 3 sibling 4, 5,7 that needed a home. Me and my husband talked about it but we’re not sure if the timing was right. We went to Bristol that weekend and thought about it and talked about it. When we got home that Sunday we decided we wanted to meet them and see if they would been a good fit. On Tuesday the 25th we met them in a park. The little girl looked at my husband and said her name and said you came to meet me. He said yes I came to meet you. For the next hour and half we talked and played in the park with all of them. We were so scared of getting our heart broke again. But we decided to open our house and hearts to them. On August 28, 2015 we drove 45 mins to there current foster home to bring them to there forever Home. When were got there M the middle one grabbed his booster seat and loaded it in truck  and said let’s go. We explained that we had to load all there stuff. Boy howdy was ready to leave. More then once we caught him trying to buckle himself in. Before we knew it we were headed home as a family of 5. They slept in the living room the first night. The girl tried to sleep on a storage container. We had to move it so she would sleep on the couch. The next day friends and family showed up with beds they donated and made. We got them all set up. Now with the boys in one room and the girl in hers. In October the kids BM  relinquish her rights. The BD  rights have been relinquished two years prior to then. They were ready to be adopted. We started the paperwork. On April 11, 2016 The day after the oldest turned 8. We officially became a forever family of 5.

I tend to think that my mother and father in law had a helping had in sending us these beautiful kids. My children mean everything to me. T,M,W we the best gift I have ever received. They are a blessing to me and my husband.

I am finally hearing the putter patter of feet in our messy dream home. 3 set of them.

T,M,W mommy loves you.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Empty Nest

As I can not really go into details. We no longer have our 3 foster to adopt children. To us they were never foster children . They were OUR KIDS....... So with that..... Afte almost 4 months together and almost 2 months gone. My nest is empty, my heart aches, my mind is blown. I still hear and see your laughs, foot steps, coos, crys, moms & dads, I can still feel your touch.  I wake and look for you often only to find an empty house.

I will love you forever.

I will always hold on to  the short time we had.

Broken heart

Friday, April 25, 2014

Dreams Do Come True


+3 yes that is a 3. We are going from zero to 3 in just 3 days from now.

Our dreams are coming true.


Monday, March 24, 2014

Sign Here Here and Here



We are in the system as a home open for adoption. With the option to do a foster to adopt with a low rated case. Things are looking up. Feeling joy in my heart is something I have missed. In case you didn't know. When doing a home study pretty much everything you say goes in it. So you have been warned. Ours is pretty funny.

I have ordered baby presents for my beautiful cousin expecting twins. It should arrive this week. So this means I will get to go to Kansas. Happy dance Cabelas is just down from them. So it's a win win.

We are dog sitting this week for my brother and sis inlaw. So last night we had 3 yorkies (my dogs) 1 wiener dog and a 50+ pound black lab. The lab was ours. But we gave her to them for our nephew. In my king size bed. The lab thought she should lay on my hip when she was in bed. It was a long night.

On April 6 I will be at Texas Motor Speedway for some NASCAR. I will take lots of pics.


The fish are starting to bite.


Thursday, February 6, 2014


Apparently everyone was drunk and humping in December cause, everyone is having a baby due in September.  I really really really hate social media right now. Oh your expecting that's awesome. Oh when are we gonna have kids you want to know. NEVER CAUSE IM AM  F-ING POOR AND MY SHIT IT BROKE. Is what my alter ego is screaming why I beat the hell out of u in my mind. But no I come up with some stupid excuse on y.  Seeing pregnant people right now just makes me sad.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Empty Womb

Several months ago I figured a baby would be growing within me right about now. As the holidays started to approach I started wishing them away. NOTHING I do helps. The happy face I carry around is not really a happy face. Its a face I put on to hide all the hurt eating away at me. Very few things bring out my true happy face. My husband on occasion, my nephew saying my name kinda I am eff or seff (I almost cried), my niece, and 2 people that mean the world to me telling me they r expecting after IVF. I am super excited for them but also jealous. If I didn't feel jealous I would think something is wrong. :-)

Adoption is at a stand still as we wait on fingerprints and background checks to come through. That should of been in almost a month ago. Now I am questioning is adoption what we should be doing? Nothing feels right anymore. As my husband says we have the worst luck. The buyer backed out on our house. My insides are messed up. I am always the positive one when he is negative. From this post its hard to tell but I am. But always thinking positive is really flipping hard.

Some day it will be my day.......Right?.......I hope..........


Saturday, September 28, 2013


I contacted the Cherokee Nation yesterday. I got my handbook, the newsletter, and the first single page application. Now I just got to find my white card that says how much Cherokee blood I have in me for the application. I need to read the hand book its 65 pages. I am a slow reader.

I got good news yesterday from family. A family member got the AWESOME news that her IVF took.  Also another girl my mother works with IVF took. I super excited for both families.

This week has been hrad. I finally cried at the most weirdest time to cry. But leave it to me.

I turned 28 this week. I know in the next year that great things are going to happen for my family.