This year has been filled with ups and downs. I got the great news that I was going to be an Aunt on my side of the family. This should be great news right? But to me it was more like a slap in the face. After finding out all that was wrong with me this year and what we needed to do this was hard news to take in. As I am really happy for my brother and his new wife. But I am also crying on the inside and out. My mother figured out the news before they ever said anything. She told me because she didn't want me to be blind sided. But I still felt blind sided. She never got the news out of her mouth before I said it first. I stopped the car in my grandparents driveway. I just started crying. The bad part is that I was on my way to get my sister in law. After a good cry I hung up the phone put my sun glasses on and pulled on up the driveway. That trip to town was one of the longest trips.
When my brother called me to tell he I thought that would be fine. I was wrong. I ended up crying and hanging up the phone on him. When I called him back I told him that I was sorry. He asked if I was crying and I said yes. He said the following. "Stephanie I didn't mean to make you cry. I feel really bad that I mad you cry." I sucked it up and told him that I am happy for him but it just hurts. He told me the day of my surgery he felt bad because he knew that I was back there getting worked on so I can have a baby and he knew she was expecting. My brother and I have not always had a great relationship. But we are really trying to make sure we have a solid relationship as adults.
I am still struggling with this news everyday. I know that some people will just think that I should grow up. But this is my way of feeling better. I know that I am not the only person out there going through something like this. Sometime I just wanna scream WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My cousin went through several IVF treatments. Now she has the most handsome little boy. I know that she will be there anytime I need to talk. :) This chapter of my life is just getting started.